Passive agressive message

[anon95027724]

@mazenfakih…I am so sorry that you had that experience. Every nation has sour and sullen individuals. It’s no surprise that some make their way to Postcrossing.

My very good friend, Tony, from Lebanon. We often talk about the conditions there. I won’t get into too much detail because it would be off-topic. But primarily because of the economic conditions and corruption there, he had to sell his business. Moreover, while we can freely practice our faith here, Tony would told me he and others had to be very circumspect about that in Lebanon.

Continue to enjoy your hobby and thank you for sharing this with us…

[Ayodhya]

I believe, being a postcrosser and having a great hobby like mailing makes you a respectful and decent person. So I’m more than surprised to see this…
Almost every country goes through some kind of a crisis at some point and yes, it is bad, but being in a country which is not currently in crisis is not an excuse to look down upon other countries.
This person who sent you that postcard doesn’t seem to have basic human qualities or common decency, and it’s not something you should feel sad about (although I can totally understand how you felt).
This “bad apple” is NOT going to ruin all the apples; there are thousands of amazing postcrossers in the world who are definitely nicer than this one you came across. So please continue your awesome hobby and know the world loves you!

[Lolann]

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
I think that everything makes you feel better in a period of crisis is something you have to do!
That person was rude …
I send you a big hug!!!

[agapara]

I am very sorry to hear that someone thought it’d be appropriate to write something like that to you, Mazen. I’d be offended too. People always have an opinion about everything - even if it’s about things they don’t even have a clue about.
On the other hand, I’m so happy to read all these supportive comments on this post. What a great community.

[mazenfakih]

The entire volume of responses is a true testament to the lovely environment that postcrossers strive to create. I’m so proud of being part of this amazing community.

[kafkaisnotdead]

It seems like some people don’t understand how helpful hobby like postcrossing could be. I only could talk from my experience, I hope, it wouldn’t sound inconsiderate to others.
My country in a big crisis now. For me Postcrossing is relatively affordable way to feel connected with other world, to get some sense on normality. I read about people’s day, about their hobbies, and I get a physical confirmation that, in fact, normal outside world is still exists and I’m a part of it. Internet can’t really get you this feeling since it’s so much negativity in there.
Shame on this rude person, you’re definitely don’t deserve such messages. I wish to you and your family all luck and safety in the world.

[S_Tuulia]

My first thought is this is not a bad message. And am actually confused how many see this so badly.

I thought,the sender meant they are surprised (in a positive way).

What are the bad thoughts?

(I’m not sure if I understand the whole message; is the writer meaning they themselves should think you wouldn’t have time/energy for cards, (but they don’t think that anymore). It’s their thought, which was already proven wrong when they got the address.Or?)

I don’t see any bad intentions here, just telling about the senders not knowing, and being surprised.

Also, we don’t see the whole message, so what is the point to judge anyone based on what might be a part of the message, and think of the worst.

Of course, I’m really truly sorry @mazenfakih feels offended and sad, no one should feel so with this hobby.

Maybe, ask what they meant, and tell you didn’t like the way the card made you feel, tell how you interpret it, so the sender has the possibility to apologise, maybe explain and learn not to do this again. (If I were the sender, I would definitely like to apologise.)

[Mattie07]

I’m sorry you received a postcard with a message like that. I would probably be sad and offended too, if someone started almost insinuating that I was being irresponsible with my money because I spend it on this hobby. This hobby brings so much joy into my life, I completely agree that it is a nice escape from the world, and it is very much worth it to spend a little money on.
This sentiment that the writer wrote on the postcard I’ve actually seen quite often on this forum when people speculate about why certain ‘rarer’ countries don’t have so many members.
It’s one thing to speculate, but it’s quite another to share this sentiment on a postcard with someone. I don’t think the person had malicious intent, but I can certainly see why you would feel that way about a message like that.

[S_Tuulia]

Many of you are calling this a nice community, and yet so many is attacking with accusitions someone you don’t know, based on partly copied message, without knowing anything more.

Is this not a case, where a friendly community would try to help these members in finding a way to understand each other better, solving this kind of situation, and not fanning the flames.

Sorry but looks to me like school bullying situation when one points a mistake and a crowd follows shouting it again and again. Don’t we all make mistakes? How do you like the situation be handled then, if you accidentally wrote something the other feels bad about?

I flagged this thread as for me this looks too unfriendly now.
If the message is a problem, I am sure the Postcrossing team is objective and willing to help how to proceed and solve this that both feel they are heard and treated equally.

Of course it can be the message continues and is horrible, but isn’t it better solved by some other way, as the sender may not read these messages here ( perhaps it would be better), and not know they wrote something hurtful?

[coleandjojo]

I am so sorry for this unsettling experience. I would love to send you and your wife a postcard if you pm me your address I would love to replace your frown with a smile with a card from New Jersey!

[Ryuuen]

@S_Tuulia

My first thought is this is not a bad message. And am actually confused how many see this so badly.

I thought,the sender meant they are surprised (in a positive way).

What are the bad thoughts?

(I’m not sure if I understand the whole message; is the writer meaning they themselves should think you wouldn’t have time/energy for cards, (but they don’t think that anymore). It’s their thought, which was already proven wrong when they got the address.Or?)

I don’t see any bad intentions here, just telling about the senders not knowing, and being surprised.

I wish you have read the description.

Not knowing is nothing wrong. However, the sender knows that Mazen is in Lebanon, and knows the situation in Lebanon, and then states that people in that country should put emphasis on other things rather than postcards.

This is not polite, or even offensive.

I will give an example. Assume a college student is poor and can hardly afford for the money of studying and living. But he still studies hard and is eager to studying . Then I know about that and tells him, “why are you still studying at college? You should quit the college and go out for work!” How would the student feel?

Another example. A country is in a war and may lose it. A man is studying in a college abroad and could possibly sacrifice if goes back to his country. He wants to study. I know about that and tell him “Why are you still studying here? You should go back and fight for your country!” How would he feel?

The problem is, can a person in dominant position arbitrarily tell another person in disadvantaged position what to do, which could be offensive?
I do not think so. We would better think about other’s feelings before speaking out, but not interfere other’s hobbies.

[S_Tuulia]

I did read it.

Maybe the message is edited, but I can’t understand what part even points out to money, or that they shouldn’t postcross.

If the copied part is:
(I am ) " very surprised to receive an address in Lebanon, for I should think that it’s inhabitants have more urgent things on their mind than sending postcards around the world.”

so firstly, to my ear this is not faultless English (but it might be) so there is first point of misunderstanding.

Secondly, this phrase. The sender should think (based on news, rumours etc), but nothing tells they indeed do think so. Right?

So I read the message as the sender thought (they should think) something, but, obviously was wrong, as they got the address to Lebanon. The sender is surprised, not disapproving. The sender is not telling what not to do. And in this quoted part, that at this moment is visible, the sender does not mention money or stopping anything.

The part where economic crisis and stopping hobbies is mentioned is mazenfakih 's interpretation, because there is no quote in that part. (Or that is how I understand it.)

If only the quoted part is from the card, there is no way to make any conclusions about the sender wanting anyone to stop their hobby.

I agree, we should be considerate, but there are misunderstandings, people forget to keep shut, they don’t always know what is proper thing to write, mistakes happen. That’s what it is. But how to handle it? Do you want to improve the situation, or just blame the other part?

[Ryuuen]

It is not difficult to see.

Would the send say “it’s (sic) inhabitants have more urgent things on their mind than sending postcards around the world” to a user from other countries, such as Japan?
If the answer is the sender would, then I have nothing to say.
If not, the sender might possibly send this message with a biased opinion.

@S_Tuulia

The sender is not telling what not to do. And in this quoted part, that at this moment is visible, the sender does not mention money or stopping anything.

Then I would have a question, what is the purpose by saying that inhabitants there have more urgent things rather than postcards?

@S_Tuulia

but there are misunderstandings, people forget to keep shut, they don’t always know what is proper thing to write, mistakes happen.

There are misunderstandings. But would you please tell me how you find out there is a misunderstanding in this case? Your statement is mainly based on the assumption that misunderstanding has happened. So it helps a lot if you can make me know there are misunderstanding happened.

@S_Tuulia

Do you want to improve the situation, or just blame the other part?

Of course I want to improve it. So I think it is important to think about other’s feelings before write down the message. Unlike speaking and talking, there are plenty of time before writing the proper words.
So-called misunderstanding exists, but it would be too late because it hurts people. Why not just make such so-called misunderstandings less in the first place?

[S_Tuulia]

@Ryuuen

Would the send say “it’s (sic) inhabitants have more urgent things on their mind than sending postcards around the world” to a user from other countries, such as Japan?

Maybe they would write something about Japan, or their thoughts about Japan, as this is somewhat commonly asked topic to write what the sender thinks or knows about the receivers country. If this wish repeats often, it’s normal to start to think people in general are interested in this. (For example I didn’t know it might be not appreciated if I write about the receivers country.)

@Ryuuen

But would you please tell me how you find out there is a misunderstanding in this case?

Based on the given quote, and what others read in it, and I don’t, there is likely to be misunderstanding somewhere.

@Ryuuen

Why not just make such so-called misunderstandings less in the first place?

I can’t tell. Maybe, because we are human, we come from different cultures, we have different manners, different language background, different interests etc. that affects our behaviour, and we can’t know what hurts whom expecially when we are writing to strangers. But, if we hurt someone, and are informed about that, we can apologise, maybe send another card, explain ourselvs and hopefully let the other know the intention was not bad. (Which I really hope.)

[Meowpurr]

Don’t know if this helps anyone but the way I read this sentence is a clumsy way of showing empathy (and signaling the sender is following world news). Translated to another situation:

There’s a party and you see someone who recently lost a loved person. You go to that person and say “oh wow, I didn’t expect you here, I’m sure you must have had a lot of bad stuff on your mind lately…” (and then you hug them, ideally)

Guess the only way to know what the sentence means is by asking the sender…?

[melimar]

i would disagree… you go to the person and tell them “im happy to see you here even if i know you are having hard times”…

in our case sender sound insensitive, impolite, judgemental and as we say in my country “he grew somewhere he was not planted”. My opinion… but im sure im not the only one who feels that way!

All the love to Lebanon @mazenfakih and we are happy you are here representing that amazing place!

[Meowpurr]

@melimar

you go to the person and tell them “im happy to see you here even if i know you are having hard times”…

Yeah, that’s why I called it clumsy… Your wording would be the unclumsy way! But it’s exactly the message I got from the sentence. So I hope @mazenfakih if by us or the sender, hope this is the message you hear

[Ryuuen]

@S_Tuulia

Maybe they would write something about Japan, or their thoughts about Japan, as this is somewhat commonly asked topic to write what the sender thinks or knows about the receivers country. If this wish repeats often, it’s normal to start to think people in general are interested in this. (For example I didn’t know it might be not appreciated if I write about the receivers country.)

Actually you did not think the sender would write the same thing to a user in Japan. That is called a biased opinion, which is held in a negative direction in this case.

And you get escaped from my question of the purpose by saying that inhabitants there have more urgent things rather than postcards. Of course it is your freedom choose to ignore it, but I think this is quite important.

In the same logic, people may say to a child user here “you have more urgent things to do in studying rather than postcard”. Let’s guess whether the child user will be happy to hear that.

@S_Tuulia

Based on the given quote, and what others read in it, and I don’t, there is likely to be misunderstanding somewhere.

Sure you are right. Everything which can be understood differently can be regarded as misunderstanding.

I would give an example, which may not sounds quite happy. But here I think we can discuss.

I write “oh you suck” on every postcard to others. It hurts people. When I am asked about that, I say “you suck means you’re great in my culture background”.

Do you think this could be regarded a happy misunderstanding?

If the answer is yes, I highly admire you because of your widely extended definition of misunderstanding.

@S_Tuulia

I can’t tell. Maybe, because we are human, we come from different cultures, we have different manners, different language background, different interests etc. that affects our behaviour, and we can’t know what hurts whom expecially when we are writing to strangers.

I agree with you. Every one makes things badly sometimes. Your words are mainly about that we should tolerate the misunderstandings, but hardly talked about how to prevent from it. Maybe you have some experiences of being hurt by such misunderstandings. I admire you a lot for your beloved heart.

[S_Tuulia]

@Ryuuen

Actually you did not think the sender would write the same thing to a user in Japan. That is called a biased opinion, which is held in a negative direction in this case.

Because I can’t know if they do or if they don’t. Also please don’t tell me what I think.You may interpret it so, but it’s just that. I do think the person would not write about people in Lebanon to Japan, more likely they would write something about Japan. That’s what I think. I don’t understand why this would make the message wrong in any way? I don’t think people should write exact same thing to each card.

@Ryuuen

you get escaped from my question of the purpose by saying that inhabitants there have more urgent things rather than postcards.

Because, in my opinion they didn’t shay that.
They wrote “for [they, the sender] should think that it’s (sic) inhabitants have more urgent things on their mind than”
I see that part as explanation to the surprisement.

@Ryuuen

I write “oh you suck” on every postcard to others. It hurts people. When I am asked about that, I say “you suck means you’re great in my culture background”.

This is not at all what I meant by cultural background affecting our behaviour.
What I meant: in some cultures it’s ok to talk about some things, what are not considered as good topics in other cultures.

@Ryuuen

hardly talked about how to prevent from it

Because in this topic, to my understanding, is a good change the misunderstanding already happened, and someone already hurt their feelings. It’s more topical to think how to deal this situation in the best way. Not tolerate, but amend and move on. Which then also can help prevent this type of situation from happening.

We don’t even know if the quote is literally what the sender wrote, and if it’s the whole message.
Or, would the sender be willing to share their view, explanation or to say they are sorry? Are they even given the possibility to do that?

[leaflets]

Mazen， thanks for you and your wife to keep a nation’s flag light.
The postcrossing family needs every single part of the world.